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I SLOW DOWN FOR COFFEE - Rachel Johnson reflects on the rigorous pace of modern life In an interview with Songs of Praise, Prince Charles has called for us all ''to slow down just a bit'' and make time for silence. Now, leaving aside the fact that almost every time I try to commune with nature in Kensington Gardens my sylvan reverie is interrupted by the deafening wogga-thukka-wogga of HRH's personal helicopter landing and taking off in Perks Field on urgent princely business, it's hard to disagree. more

SCAMSTER - Would you regularly hand over money to a company to provide you with a service you did not want and did not realise you were paying for? Well, nor would I, but I did. I did, my son did, and if you look on the Grumbletext website, you can read about the many, many other people who did, too (so many that there's a transatlantic class action suit in progress against Jamster! a provider of ringtones, wallpaper and music to mobiles). more

AUSTEN FOR BEGINNERS - Home truths: Austen for beginners: Lizzy's a minger - and there's Dave! (Filed: 27/09/2005) Rachel Johnson finds that the mores of Pride and Prejudice may have modern appeal I took a bunch of children to see Pride and Prejudice on Saturday, after overcoming stiff resistance to my choice of film from my eight-year-old son. "Is it old fashion [sic]?" more

BAD BOYS - Home truths: dunces, flunkers but no bad boys (Filed: 04/10/2005) Schools have to be autocratic, and parents have to accept their authority, says Rachel Johnson When my mother was expelled from her convent for whistling at Teddy boys in a Mayfield car park, the nuns didn't consult. Nor did they listen to my mother. She was defenestrated for whistling, even though she hadn't seen the Teddy boys, can't whistle to save her life and her parents were living in America. more

BOOBY PRIZES - Rachel Johnson takes a stand against boob jobs After repressing a puerile snigger that the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons - which yesterday inveighed against the awarding of boob jobs as prizes in competitions - is called "baps" for short by the medical profession, I gave a cheer. more

KNEE NEWS - The scandal of missed NHS appointments costing £575 million a year is just as important as the furore over exam results. But news of the six million missed doctors' appointments a year fell down-page last week, as it didn't provide newspaper editors with a single opportunity to run pictures of teenage girls with glowing skin shrieking while flicking long, Timotei'd locks and hugging each other. A photograph of a pensioner failing to attend an outpatient appointment is, I do see, considerably less photogenic. more

FAMILY HORRORDAYS - Rachel Johnson finds that the 'perfect family holiday' can be relative 'According to a nationwide survey, a third of families would rather stay at home or go away with colleagues from work than go on holiday with their own children." I was reading the newspaper out loud in my best Fiona Bruce voice, after supper yesterday. "Is that all?" my husband grunted. more

POOL RULES - Rachel Johnson meets the Safety Turtle After hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic on various autoroutes du soleil, we are now briefly ensconced in a faultless villa near Cavaillon. The sun blazes down, we eat sweet, orange-fleshed melons, the children watch cartoons in French and we discuss the swimming pool. It is a lovely, long, cool rectangle of green. As soon as we arrived, my children hurled themselves in with exuberant cries. more

HOME TRUTHS - Home truths: does Charles Clarke want to read my inter-marital e-mails? (Filed: 12/07/2005) Rachel Johnson ruminates about the mysterious desires of the Home Office The Home Office wants telecoms companies to retain records of e-mails, mobile phone calls and text messages for up to three years - creating a data hoard so immense that it would take security services 50 years to carry out just one search. more

NEW HOME TRUTHS COLUMN! - Dinner party subterfuge may be easy, but Rachel Johnson finds she can't fool everybody Last Saturday, we gave our first dinner party for ages. I warmed the spatchcocked poussins in the oven, I sprinkled parsley over the butternut squash and sieved icing sugar over the orange cake. Then I put an apron over my dress, rubbed some flour into my hands and hair, and waited for the compliments to flow my way. "This is absolutely delicious," said one guest, forking in some wild rice with herbs. more

BAD SEX EDUCATION - Mummy diaries: women get pregnant when men wear pyjamas (Filed: 04/06/2005) Sex education is not the same as it was when Rachel Johnson was at school My daughter came home from school, and blushingly handed me a letter from her bag. It concerned the optional sex education classes that year six girls were being offered after this half-term holiday. She wouldn't look at me. more

POLL PAIN - Rachel Johnson tries to explain politics to her youngest son 'What are Uncle Al and Granddaddy, again?" double-checked our youngest son. He had been asked by my husband to reveal his political colours. At the time of writing, the election (at which my father is seeking to become the first MP to follow his son into Parliament) is still a few days off. more

FETCHING ALICE - problem shared is a problem squared, says Rachel Johnson It is Friday, 7pm. The spaghetti is al dente, bolognaise sauce bubbling. "Supper," I cry. There are two boys on the PS2 and my daughter is hovering. Barbara, my au pair, scaled the prison walls earlier. The telephone rings. "Hello Rachel, it's Sarah," says my sister-in-law. "It's an emergency." She says she is on the Great Bedwyn-to-Paddington train, with her daughter Alice. more

GRAND THEFT AUTO - When Rachel Johnson's stolen car was recovered, all she wanted to do was buy it back from the insurer. That's when her problems really started... For many years I've been adamant that we did not need our two large cars - a throaty Audi 2·6 estate and a mumsy, thirsty VW Sharan V6 - for our five family members. I changed my tune as soon as "my" car (I think you guessed the one for which I was the designated driver) was nicked from outside my front door. more

MUMMY DIARIES 7-05 TORY BOYS - The mummy diaries: confusing colours (Filed: 16/05/2005) Rachel Johnson tries to explain politics to her youngest son 'What are Uncle Al and Granddaddy, again?" double-checked our youngest son. He had been asked by my husband to reveal his political colours. more

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